Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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