You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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