Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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