Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
