....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
