Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you win again, gameday.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
