he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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