Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
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The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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