tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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