I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
