Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
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Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
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Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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