why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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