Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
