Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
