I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
