I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
