You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm both gender and math confused
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
