I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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