I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I just googled if crying burns calories
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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