did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
