Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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