highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
