you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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