Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
