If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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