Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
