I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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