i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
