You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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