i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
