I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
