Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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