Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
