I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think a kid would responsible me up
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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