why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
