so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
