my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
