he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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