Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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