i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
