I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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