Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
