All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
