Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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