my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize