Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
