I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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