I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
