OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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