My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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