So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
