i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
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i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
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I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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