so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
