Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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