Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Randomize
