proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize