The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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