Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
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