I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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