i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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