Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
